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If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

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A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

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All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

The truth is more important than the facts.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

I've just stumled upon browsergames website , have You checked it before? Bye!

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

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Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

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A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

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Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

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The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

The truth is more important than the facts.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Bom dia pessoal, com certeza ser proprietário um veículo é oneroso devido ao altos custos de algumas empresas como as de vendas de usados. Estas nem dão valor ao contrato feito ou tem escondidas em letras miúdas regras que dão prejuízo ao adquirinte do veículo. O Código do Consumidor muitas vezes não comtempla todas as artimanhas do comprador. Estava lendo umas experiências no http://www.carrousado.org sobre todos os passos para a aquisição sem ter dor de cabeça mais tarde. Foi mal, realmente está difícil fazer boas aquisições.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

You made some first rate points there. I looked on the web for the issue and found most people will go together with together with your website.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

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Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

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Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.