Define Your Comfort 【DYC BLOG】

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All people deserve wealthy life time and credit loans or financial loan would make it better. Because freedom is based on money state.

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Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Men have become the tools of their tools.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

I am not young enough to know everything.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Barab�si's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do � whether it is correct or not.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

A hen is only an egg�s way of making another egg.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.